|Miss.Understood @Opiyow||26 Nov|
|If you can scream you already know 60% Karate.|
I wanted something to rival the attention that was given to the mchongoanos article,so i buried myself deep in thought …(*like Jonah in the whale* #lumumba quotes) and in this era of social media craze, a solution was born…enter facebook updates.
Ofcourse new ones are being thought of everyday,but for now enjoy the assorted few that i got….
1. Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, just a beautiful monkey 😛
2. Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, and then turn it to the left. Repeat the exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
3. At the end of the day, one thing we have in common is that we are all screwed up in some way.
4. I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
5. The awkward moment when a GPS tells a gay person to go straight 🙂6. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!
7. Two roommates were watching the news. News: Serial killer on the loose. Blonde: Oh no! (runs to kitchen) Brunette: What are you doing? Blonde: Saving my cereal!
8. Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?” Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”
9. One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. Didn’t realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note: “Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad.”
10. What is meant by Mixed Emotions? Your enemy falls from 17th floor on your brand new Audi and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
Hope you had a good laugh! 🙂
Okay, I lied. I have no idea if these are actually the funniest blogs of all time. I couldn’t, because it would require me to read every blog ever written. And trying to read all that senseless drivel those other blogs would be just plain nuts. These are blogs I just happen to know about that I happen to think are funny.
And let’s face it–I figured with a headline like “Top 10 Funniest Blogs of All Time!!!” you’d probably pick this up in an online search. And you’d be inclined to read it. (Was I right or what?)
Okay, now that’s out of the way, here’s the list. Oh, and BTW–even though I’m listing them in reverse numbered order like Letterman, I don’t really know if these are strictly listed in order of funniness. Maybe roughly in order of funniness, but just . . . roughly, okay? I mean what’s funny, anyway? Doesn’t it kind of depend on your mood that day? Can one blog that’s incredibly funny one day go over like a lead balloon the next? And what about . . . wait a minute. This is turning into a philosophical discussion. Oh, the hell with it. Here’s the list:
Okay, this one’s kind of a gimme. It’s achieved a bit of notoriety in the blog world, as the site that makes fun of white, hipster types with their trendy interests, their rugby shirts, their love of Bob Marley, their Moleskin notebooks, etc., etc. It’s funny and all, but can someone please explain to me why someone would buy a book based on a blog?
Blog to be named later.
(Okay. I lied twice. Really, I only have seven blogs on this list. Plus an honorable mention. But people don’t write Top 7 Lists, do they? So, with that understood, here’s the rest.)
I simply must include this, even though it will probably tickle the funny bones of more freelancers than other people, because some of the examples Kathy Kehrli provides of actual work being advertised is so sad and pathetic, it’s funny (in a sad and pathetic way). I mean, take a look at her “Ultimate Get-a-Clue Freelance Requests” for each week and tell me anyone could survive on slave wages like these. (And I’m not just including this blog because of my contribution to it. Really! Though I must say I’m proud to be a part of it. To point to yet another example of freelancer abuse. To take a small step toward righting wrongs in the profession. To do the right thing, to . . . Jesus, listen to yourself, Debbi. Shut up, already. Okay. Keep going.)
Not only do you have to love these examples of “creative” misuse (like mine just then) of quotation marks, but Bethany Keeley’s commentary on them invariably invokes a smirk, a smile, a chuckle or even a guffaw. At least from this reader. It’s well worth a daily look. And who would’ve thought that quotations marks could be so widely misused? That, in itself, is pretty funny. Sad and pathetic funny, again–I seem to go for that don’t I? Well, here’s something completely different.
Here’s where we get down and dirty. Here’s where the list goes nuts a bit. Because when Aaron’s not ranting hilariously about right-wing assholes (the butt–no pun intended–of much great humor, IMHO), he’s often got a clip or two of a truly bizarre nature. Like this cheese rolling thing–I mean WTF? Who comes up with this shit? Amazing. He’s irreverent, he’s liberal (and damn proud of it), he’s into heavy metal music. What’s not to like? Oh, and he’s also a librarian. Extra points, dude.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve lived around this shithole the Nation’s Capital for so long, but I totally appreciate this blog. I’d like to think it’s funny for many reasons. You don’t have to live in DC to like it. I think people anywhere will find this blog funny. Try to imagine Marissa Payne, a woman whose life is made up of crazy experiences a la David Sedaris (without the dysfunctional family–at least, I’ve seen no mention of one yet) trapped inside some kind of Kafka-esque loop in which she often escapes from DC, yet repeatedly returns. Why does she keep coming back? Is it for the stories? Is she a masochist? Is it a strange love/hate relationship with the Chocolate City? (Yeah, I know the term “Chocolate City” is antiquated, but then so am I.) I’m voting for the last reason, but I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter–I just know that it’s damn funny stuff. Laugh out loud funny. So funny it hurts. Take it from someone who’s lived in the DC area for years and years and years and years, there is some major funny, harsh truth written here. (But one question: how the hell did she manage to live in DCselling dildos for $2.37 an hour?)
(and in the event that #1 is disqualified or otherwise unable to serve as the #1 funniest blog of all time (or at least the funniest I know about), this blog will be ready to stand in its stead) (here it is)
What can I say about this blog? I started reading it back when it was The Food Here Convenience Store, and it struck me as nothing less than a brilliant satire on modern day mores, social commentary tinged with a fine sense of irony. I looked forward every day to reading about Ram’s increasingly bizarre customers, employees and associates, not to mention the increasingly bizarre events Ram would stage to draw more business (having his clerk do an Evel Knievel on a tricycle over a shark tank was probably the topper) and what new stunts he’d pull himself (going homeless for a week or so was interesting). When it came to biting humor and merciless depictions of modern (so-called) culture, I’m not sure Voltaire could have blogged it better than the man who saw it all from behind The Food Here counter.
But now Ram’s in prison (long story), where he’s turning his rapier-like wit toward the foibles and failings of the penal system. His stories are still funny, his companions still bizarre (he shares a cell with a guy named Mad Dog with whom he’s reached certain understandings–which is to say, he sleeps on the top bunk despite his aversion to heights and keeps a safe distance from Mad Dog to avoid being beaten senseless). I’ve gone on way too long, it’s just a funny blog. Believe me. Read it. You’ll see.
And, finally, the #1 Funniest Blog of All Time (That I Happen to Know About)
Now this is just the flat-out funniest blog I’ve ever been privileged to read. It never fails to make me laugh. And when I say laugh, I mean it almost never fails to make me double over laughing. And it just keeps getting funnier as you read it, until (when it’s at its best) you’re laughing so hard you’re gasping for breath, possibly with a tear or two in your eyes. I’m talking spit-take funny here, so don’t drink coffee while you read it. Again, this blog really nails modern society and youth culture on its spoiled little head. This guy’s rants are priceless. I won’t even bother to say more. Just read the thing. I dare you to do it without laughing or at least cracking a smile. (Oh, and Ram, you are actually writing this, aren’t you?)
And the honorable mention? That goes to Fafblog. It’s funny, but mainly it’s just so frackin’ strange.
> 1.Kenyans wear clothes, while the Jang’os DON ATTIRE
> 2.Kenyans go home at the end of the day, while Jang’os
> PROCEED TO THEIR RESIDENCES
> 3.Kenyans have children, while Jang’os have OFFSPRINGS
> 4. Kenyan children go to school, while Jang’o
> offspring ATTEND ACADEMY
> 5.Kenyans have wives, Jang’os have SPOUSES
> 6.Kenyans take their wives for lunch, Jang’os TREAT
> their spices, sorry spouses to A LUNCHEON
> 7.Kenyans drive cars, while Jang’os OPERATE LIMOUSINES
> 8.Kenyans go to work, Jang’os ATTEND TO PROFESSIONAL
> 9.Kenyans talk to their families, Jang’os COMMUNICATE
> WITH THEIR HOUSEHOLDS
> 10.Kenyans wear shoes, Jang’os ARRANGE FOOTWEAR
> 11.Kenyans own livestock, Jang’os POSSESS DISPOSABLE
> AGRARIAN ASSETS
> 12.Kenyans get lost but Jang’os DISCOVER ALTERNATIVE
> 13.Kenyans may fail but JANG’OS in the same
> circumstances ACHIEVE A DEFICIENCY
> 14.Kenyans have a beer gut, Jang’os DEVELOP A LIQUID
> GRAIN STORAGE
> 15.Kenyans may be unemployed while Jang’os may be
> INVOLUNTARILY LEISURED
> 16.Kenyans send emails/forwards while Jang’os
> COMMUNICATE ELECTRONICALLY ON THE INFORMATION SUPER
> And the list goes on and on and on…
The following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
“”The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
“”Were you present when your picture was taken?
“”Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
“Did he kill you?”
“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“You were there until the time you left, is that true?
“Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
Q: “She had three children, right?
.”Q: “How many were boys?”
.”Q: “Were there any girls?
“Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?
“Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?
“Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
“A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
“Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
“A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
“Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
” Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
“A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
“Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
“A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
“Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?
“A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel
.”Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
“A: “I have been since early childhood.
“Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
.”Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?
“Q: “Did you check for breathing?
“Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
“Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?
“A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
“Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
“A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”.
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.”.
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,”Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”.
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, “Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleeps tomorrow ……………….cool.
Five in the morning. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I got to be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!!!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say…”Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
Don’t drink beer
Scientists for HealthCanadahave suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.