This week is almost over. Thank God. Everyone is worn out. The weather, the undecided weather! *sigh*. I am slathered in stress and at least 53 different brands of sunscreen; layer upon layer. It’s hard living in this kiln-ish conditions and associated stormy economic mayhem.
Here is this month’s list of people who absolutely piss us off.
So there I was seated in class waiting for Professor Fogothari to show his face and koroga his theories and someone decides we could all use some music. They start playing this weirdly familiar track. The song is titled ‘Someday’ by our very own MOG (papa God oh- you must have heard this one)and these are the lyrics that really caught my dysfunctional eye.
Verse 1 (Boss)
was the name she was using as she was asking her share
I wanna go to school so please daddy show me some care
you are going nowhere, have the money that I spend
go have an affair, she became so scared
she looked up in the air she said daddy that’s not fair
she was given a slap and told don’t even dare
you are going nowhere
she started to pray every night and day
hoping everything will be okay
hoping everything will be okay
Mwaaathani! What in the world is thattt? Someone slap me. She looked up in the air? Oh, really? Then she was given a slap. Njesooooo. Mind you, this is a gospel track. These guys, even after producing the crappiest music in the entire mother flipping industry are doing very well, kifedha and otherwise. Going around impregnating people and such like nonsense. What they need is baptism with fire(literally) and a ginormous, huge, bear-sized make over. SMH.
Daamn, I should be able to tie these guys to a tree and flog them to death. #1 life rule, Don’t make promises you can’t keep. These guys promise rock 24/7 then they play some random Adele in between the metal. They think we don’t notice? Not to say that Adele is not one of the most amazing voices that ever happened to the 21st century lakini her genre is very clearly not rock. How do you not see that? You would think my disgusted tweets to one of their producers would drag their douche-meter down to normalcy but nooooo. Dear X, sometimes it lasts in goth but sometimes you rip my insides apart.
3. Gideon Mbuvi a.k.a Mike Sonko the drama queen.
No one is surprised that this guy is on my list. YAWWWWWWN!
4. DJ Kaytrixx.
Kaytrixx happens to be the most annoying DJ south of the goddamn hot, windy, god-forsaken Sahara. Darling, I hate to break it to you but when you kusanya your utensils and go produce a shit song like bachette, people are gonna be talking about it for a while. Until your next shit production actually. So instead of being so mad at all the critics, sit back, relax and savour every bit of it. Bitch tip : All publicity is good publicity. Meanwhile, ukinipata kwenye Twitter, follow follow follow. Ba-shitty! I have more tips. Including, how to politely tell Ian Mugoya he’s annoying as fuck.
5. The actual experts.
Everyone knows at least one person who thinks (s)he knows absolutely everything. And if you don’t, you must be one of them. These idiots can see into the Ocampo 6_ICC future. I happened to sit with one such mjuaji in a Jav. He was quick to tell me that he is a primary school teacher then…
Mr. X: Ocampo is joking. Anajua mungiki watamuendea huko?
Mr. X: Yes. A reliable source(note that he has sources.) tells me UK is already organizing for transport. Ocampo doesn’t have any evidence at all. He is being paid to tarnish UK’s name. Hii ni kazi ya Raila.
Me: You don’t say…
Mr. X: Young girl, eeeer hakuna kitu unajua. Ask me. I know these things.
Of course I got off the jav way before I got to my stop. Such ujuaji must be infectious.
6. Jackline Nyaminde (Mama Royco Peef Cupes).
This is mama shirandula. By the time she’s fefte, she’ll have done ads for every garbage collection and flying toilet service in this country.
P.S: Grace Msalame’s babies, Zawadi and Raha are now 5 months old. Rumour has it that she may be back on the waves sooner than we think. Go MILF.